Monday, April 23, 2007
How Men and Women Differ In Showing Love
Men and women have struggled throughout history to understand one another, and sex is certainly no exception. Assuming the males you reference do not pursue sex merely for their own gratification but genuinely care about the woman's feelings, there are several likely explanations for their behavior.
Generally speaking, men are socialized to be thinkers and doers, focused on problem-solving and action. Women, on the other hand, are likely to be feelers and talkers, focused on care-giving and relating. From the outset, their aims and their expectations are different. When women are hurt and in need of comfort, they usually want verbal reassurance: "I'm sorry you're having a tough time," "Tell me how you feel," "I'm here for you," which provide a sense of caring and validation. If they want to be touched, it is more likely a hug than a passionate kiss they seek.
Anger triggers feelings of rejection, and alienation. Women may want to talk about the problem in an effort to heal the rift or they may withdraw in silence. When the emotional gulf is strong, most females are not responsive to touch, at least not until some gesture toward reconciliation occurs.
When unsettling emotions disrupt the comfortable equilibrium of the relationship, most males move rapidly into problem-solving mode. They attempt to tackle the source of the feelings ("the problem") and to fix it, with the intent of easing the female's distress and restoring equanimity in the relationship. Should their attempts prove unsuccessful, because the real problem may be a relationship issue, a personal criticism, or some other factor that prohibits immediate resolution, they reach out to connect in the way that they know best, which is to make love (not talk love). Lovemaking represents something that they can do, reassuring themselves of their competence and their partners of their caring. Since sex provides both distraction from the problem and a positive change of mood (at least for most men), it seems to them a valid option.
The next time your man wants to make love when you are upset, hurt or angry, acknowledge his attempts to reach out to you, recognize that "just listening" may not seen enough to him (after all, what can one accomplish just by listening and doing nothing!) and gently let him know what you want instead. Show him how good it can feel just to be held, teach him what most women already know: that touch involves much more than sex. If men and women will make a greater effort to understand each other's perspective, to avoid generalizing and stereotyping and to be more sensitive to their different ways of connecting, they can find a way to bridge the gap that has separated them.
Generally speaking, men are socialized to be thinkers and doers, focused on problem-solving and action. Women, on the other hand, are likely to be feelers and talkers, focused on care-giving and relating. From the outset, their aims and their expectations are different. When women are hurt and in need of comfort, they usually want verbal reassurance: "I'm sorry you're having a tough time," "Tell me how you feel," "I'm here for you," which provide a sense of caring and validation. If they want to be touched, it is more likely a hug than a passionate kiss they seek.
Anger triggers feelings of rejection, and alienation. Women may want to talk about the problem in an effort to heal the rift or they may withdraw in silence. When the emotional gulf is strong, most females are not responsive to touch, at least not until some gesture toward reconciliation occurs.
When unsettling emotions disrupt the comfortable equilibrium of the relationship, most males move rapidly into problem-solving mode. They attempt to tackle the source of the feelings ("the problem") and to fix it, with the intent of easing the female's distress and restoring equanimity in the relationship. Should their attempts prove unsuccessful, because the real problem may be a relationship issue, a personal criticism, or some other factor that prohibits immediate resolution, they reach out to connect in the way that they know best, which is to make love (not talk love). Lovemaking represents something that they can do, reassuring themselves of their competence and their partners of their caring. Since sex provides both distraction from the problem and a positive change of mood (at least for most men), it seems to them a valid option.
The next time your man wants to make love when you are upset, hurt or angry, acknowledge his attempts to reach out to you, recognize that "just listening" may not seen enough to him (after all, what can one accomplish just by listening and doing nothing!) and gently let him know what you want instead. Show him how good it can feel just to be held, teach him what most women already know: that touch involves much more than sex. If men and women will make a greater effort to understand each other's perspective, to avoid generalizing and stereotyping and to be more sensitive to their different ways of connecting, they can find a way to bridge the gap that has separated them.
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